Lifestyle Mother Apologizes for Caregiving Burden 5/16/2023 | By Amy Dickinson As a woman’s grown children care for her during her fight with cancer, the mother apologizes constantly, stating she is “a burden.” How can the children reassure her? See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson advises in “Ask Amy.” Dear Amy: My mother raised eight children. She is now in her late-70s and lives alone. Recently she received a cancer diagnosis and we have been taking turns getting her to appointments and helping with errands, chores, meals, etc. We are happy to help, and tell her so. My problem is that she gets very emotional. My mother apologizes to us constantly, saying variations of: “Children should never have to care for their mother” and stating that she is “a burden” to us. Constant reassurance from us is not helping. How can we help her to understand that we want to help, and are happy to do so? She spent many years caring for her own mother at the end of my grandmother’s life, so I’m not sure if that is part of it or not. What do you think? – Feeling Helpless Dear Helpless: I suspect that your mother’s lengthy experience taking care of her own mother probably is a factor informing her emotional response now. People seldom talk about this, but for some, caregiving for an elder parent can be a traumatic and ultimately heartbreaking experience. If that was the case with your mother, her current situation has triggered some very real distress, and – like the loving and concerned mother she is – she is upset by the prospect of any of you having a similar experience. Hence your mother apologizes for what she feels she’s putting you through. Your mother has also received a frightening diagnosis. This may have triggered extreme anxiety (who could blame her?!), and the way she is ruminating and resistant to comfort should be a cause for concern for her health care team. My first suggestion is to make sure that her physicians know about her rumination and anxiety. This might be a cognitive issue exacerbated by lack of sleep, diet, or medications. For you and your siblings, I suggest that instead of leaping in with quick reassurances, you should make sure to listen and give your mother plenty of space to express herself. You might then say to her, “I know you have a lot to deal with right now, but can you say what you are most worried about in this moment?” She may need to cry and to express some universal and existential worries. Having loved ones able to listen calmly and bear quiet witness might help her. And yes, you should all do your best to express (through your deeds and words): “Mom, we are honored and happy to be with you, no matter what. You had us, and now we’ve got you.” In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from a mother who apologizes for being a burden to retirement community romances and DNA surprises. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. Read More Amy Dickinson