Lifestyle

12/12/2022 | By Amy Dickinson

After 40 years of marital negativity – a husband who incessantly says ‘no’ and a wife who stays silent as a result – the wife needs a change. See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson says in this installment of “Ask Amy.”

Dear Amy:

I have a marriage question.

I have taken a sort of “vow of silence” around my husband of 40 years. I am not giving him “the silent treatment.” I respond to questions, provide the occasional benign observation, and try to make statements of support.

He finds a way to contradict virtually anything I say.

I could observe trees swaying gently in the wind, say, “It seems breezy today,” and he would reply, “No, it isn’t. The wind velocity must be such and such degrees for it to be breezy.”

I would like to be able to communicate openly about that issue and other issues without this marital negativity. I’d like to be able to discuss my hopes and dreams. I’d like to be able to share silly, fun thoughts and creative ideas. But if I say almost anything, he replies “No, it isn’t…” or, “No, you don’t…” or “That’s not the right way to look at it.”

So, if I brought up my feeling that my husband often contradicts me, he most certainly would reply “No, I don’t!”

I feel that I live in a world of “NOs.”

It would be self-sabotage to leave the marriage after 40 years. How can I encourage the same care and security internally? I would like to break my vow of silence, feeling secure that I won’t immediately be contradicted, but I’m at a loss for how to do that.

Wife With No Words Left

Dear No Words: 

If your husband’s reactions are confined mainly to his marital negativity, then it would seem that his entrenched antagonism is expressing hostility toward you.

If he tends to be “Mr. No” with everyone, then I’d say his hostility is directed toward himself. He seems quite unhappy.

Avoidance is a natural response to being continuously shut down, and so actually – you are giving him the “silent treatment,” but it is important for you to recognize that you do have a voice and have a right to use it.

I hope you will try to start a conversation about the effect this is having on you. If you use “I” statements, such as, “I feel sad when you respond to me with such negativity,” he can shoot back, “No, you don’t” – which will bring the whole process into the realm of the absurd, and might catch his attention.

There are many books and resources offering ways to communicate better. Therapy could help you two to make great strides through these marital contradictions. One book you might read is, “Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication,” by Mike Bechtle (2017, Revell).

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from marital negativity to grandparenting to DNA surprises. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

© 2022 by Amy Dickinson

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