Widow Struggles with Letting Go of Bitterness

About six months after diagnosis, we had a graduation picnic for our granddaughter. My brother-in-law came, got drunk, and when he left, he banged our daughter’s car and told no one. (We were not aware that he was so drunk.)

My husband called his brother and he admitted that he’d hit her car, but said he was too drunk to return to the party, so he was going to call later the next day.

My daughter called her uncle and lectured him about drinking and driving and was pretty hard on him. I did the same. He texted us and said he didn’t need to be lectured by us and that we wouldn’t see him again. He said he’d send a check for the damage.

My husband called him and did not lecture him, but said that we were concerned about his drinking. (We had expressed this in the past.)

Over the next two years, he never checked on my declining husband and did not come to his funeral less than three years later.

My children and I are bitter.

When this uncle speaks to his sister, he seems to play the victim – as if we had kept him away from his brother. My husband died feeling very betrayed, and I’m having a hard time letting go of bitterness.

What are your thoughts on this?

– Bitter

Dear Bitter: 

I think you have a few things to feel bitter about – your husband’s decline and death from an absolutely punishing and heartbreaking disease, being one.

And yes, it is obvious how disappointing your brother-in-law’s behavior has been, but addiction has a way of blunting a person’s humane responses. It’s as if the disease has to find a way to win, and so alcoholics will quite naturally reject confrontations, course corrections, or even expressions of concern.

And – to be clear – some people are just wired this way, even without addiction’s pull.

Your brother-in-law told you exactly what he would do, and then he followed through.

One way start letting go of your bitterness might be to see if you can conjure a way to feel sorry for this man, who denied himself contact with his brother, and who will never be able to make it up to him.

During a quiet moment, ask yourself if this would be possible, and consider the idea that it might ultimately help you to trade your bitterness for compassion.

Because – this much is true – nothing you do will affect the real source of your grief, although letting go of this element of bitterness in your life will definitely help.

Additionally, you might ask your late-husband’s sister not to pass along messages of victimhood to you. This just triggers your own sadness and anger, when you might be focusing on healing.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from letting go of bitterness, to supporting a granddaughter’s recovery, to DNA surprises. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.