Life partners who retire at different times may face unexpected problems. Known as staggered, asynchronous, or non-concurrent retirement, the timing may be the result of a financial strategy, differences in age or readiness, or simply one partner’s passion for their work. Seniors Guide writer Terri L. Jones explores some of the relationship challenges of a staggered retirement and expert tips for overcoming them.
If you’re married or in any committed relationship, you probably imagine your partnership growing stronger when you retire. After all, you’ll both be happier, more relaxed, and able to spend more quality time together. However, when one partner retires before the other, which is the case for 62% of couples, it can actually put strain on that relationship, unless you are willing to make some adjustments and compromises.
Here are some common relationship challenges of a staggered retirement and ideas for facing them.
Time apart
If one person no longer has to get up at a certain time after retirement, they may end up sleeping later than the partner as well as staying up later in the evenings. This may mean missing valuable morning and evening rituals together. The retired person may also spend more time away from home, pursuing hobbies, engaging in volunteer work, and socializing.
This was the case for Pat, who retired before her husband, Gregg. She began socializing with friends more often and even founded a community nonprofit, which demanded a lot of her time. For Pat and Gregg, the remedy to their “ships passing in the night” situation was a shared calendar, so they had a handle on each other’s schedule. They also had to accept that they’d be doing some things on their own.
“We give each other grace to be separate, to be on different paths at different times in our lives – to not do everything together,” Pat explained.
Even though you’re taking different paths sometimes, you still need to find time to come together. Sara Yogev, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and couples’ therapist, said that the happiest couples are those who spend time apart and time together. These shared experiences help you maintain the bond you already have while discovering your individuality, helping overcome relationship challenges of a staggered retirement.
Roles and responsibilities
All of a sudden, one partner has all this extra time. It’ll only seem fair that this individual shoulders more responsibilities in the home. One study found that partners who retired first did step up their involvement in household duties; however, when it came to husbands and housework, the share of their contribution was still less than wives’ (never more than 40% of the workload).
To avoid resentment on either side, it’s best to divvy up household duties well before one of you retires. Lay out everything that you both do, including who currently does what, and allow the retiring partner to pick what they’d like to take over from their mate.
Unfortunately, when you’re not specific, there may be trouble. Take the case of the engineer husband who reorganized the pantry in alphabetical order after he retired. While he thought it was an improvement, his wife, who did most of the cooking, didn’t appreciate him taking that liberty. Before you reinvent the wheel (that your honey invented to begin with), be sure to ask permission!
Loss of purpose
Suddenly, the new retiree is not making big decisions, leading teams, or getting praise from the boss – or bringing home a paycheck. When someone isn’t gainfully employed, their identity and sense of purpose may take a hit. Although this doesn’t seem to reflect the relationship challenges of a staggered retirement, the identity crisis can affect the relationship. Not to mention, if the retired partner no longer interacts with people during the day, they may expect the partner to make up for that loneliness at the end of the day. Overwhelming the still-employed partner with conversation or activity, when they just need to relax, won’t always end well!
The person who is first to retire can benefit from finding hobbies, passion projects, or even part-time employment. This not only fills time but also the need for purpose. Sara, who retired years before her husband, said, “It was very important to me to make myself useful, to approach my life in retirement with intentionality.”
Unaligned priorities
Everyone has a vision for their retirement, often including a timeline. The first person to retire can communicate their wishes and get their better half’s buy-in to support their dreams, even before they retire themselves. If the new retire wants to travel more or learn to play pickleball, perhaps the partner can take some time off to take a longer-than-usual trip. Or maybe they’ll agree to play pickleball every other Saturday morning. On the other hand, the new retiree needs to respect their partner’s preferences and limitations while they’re still working.
Talk about it
Before either of you retires, the most important step is talking. Discuss how you both imagine this stage of your life and then devise a plan to get you there. Don’t forget that once your partner retires, you’ll need to go through another adjustment period while they determine their own interests, share of responsibilities, and new purpose. Being upfront about everything helps you avoid conflicts down the road.
The transition period may not be easy, but it’ll be worth it when you both have the retirement you always dreamed of.
